so... i went... i was excited and expecting lost of good music and food and laughs... i was disappointed... but why? As i look back over the evening... i realize i came in with the right spirit and intention. Made some folks laugh and i laughed too. food was pretty good. So... what made it turn left for me?
The gift exchange... they did the white elephant... its was supposed to be fun... but... the vibe changed drastically... to me... got me wondering if I am extra sensitive... I wasn't a part of it... but being near it felt yucky.
During and after the gift exchange everyone cliqued up and i was on my own. Now... let's be HONEST. I'm not the best socializer nor do i want to be... I just like having a vibe and certain ebery around me. Being in the pandemic and in my classroom as the main contributor to my environment has made me spoiled in a way... I need to learn how to navigate social stuff again.
I don't want to be in no man's land. I want to have friends that contribute to my life and me to theirs... and i DO have these folks. I was blindsided by the "you don't fit in with us" middle and high school flashback that occured at the end of the night.
Then, I also realized that I have vowed to spend more quiet time with God daily and i haven't. No need to lie or make it cute. I have been neglecting my quiet meditation time in God's presence through worship music and silence. I was NOT prepared or insulated enough in my spirit to handle last night's situation.
I have been praying for continual closeness with God and to hear HIS voice and choose HIS ways. I cannot renege and not continue this oath and promise that I made to God. No One made me do it. I said and I prayed that I would devote my life to seeking God in and through ALL things.
Me having fun and seeking fulfilment and love and to be embraced by people who i do not spend ANY time with is a lunatic's fantasy.
I'm with God first. Then, through his lense and protection and provision, life is made beautiful and palatable and abundant.
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