Weight is NOT a metric... but...
Last year i weighed 224 pounds = 102 kg
This year i currently weigh 211 pounds = 96 kg
Next year... i'm looking to get to 135 pound = 61 kg!!!!
so... i went... i was excited and expecting lost of good music and food and laughs... i was disappointed... but why? As i look back over the evening... i realize i came in with the right spirit and intention. Made some folks laugh and i laughed too. food was pretty good. So... what made it turn left for me?
The gift exchange... they did the white elephant... its was supposed to be fun... but... the vibe changed drastically... to me... got me wondering if I am extra sensitive... I wasn't a part of it... but being near it felt yucky.
During and after the gift exchange everyone cliqued up and i was on my own. Now... let's be HONEST. I'm not the best socializer nor do i want to be... I just like having a vibe and certain ebery around me. Being in the pandemic and in my classroom as the main contributor to my environment has made me spoiled in a way... I need to learn how to navigate social stuff again.
I don't want to be in no man's land. I want to have friends that contribute to my life and me to theirs... and i DO have these folks. I was blindsided by the "you don't fit in with us" middle and high school flashback that occured at the end of the night.
Then, I also realized that I have vowed to spend more quiet time with God daily and i haven't. No need to lie or make it cute. I have been neglecting my quiet meditation time in God's presence through worship music and silence. I was NOT prepared or insulated enough in my spirit to handle last night's situation.
I have been praying for continual closeness with God and to hear HIS voice and choose HIS ways. I cannot renege and not continue this oath and promise that I made to God. No One made me do it. I said and I prayed that I would devote my life to seeking God in and through ALL things.
Me having fun and seeking fulfilment and love and to be embraced by people who i do not spend ANY time with is a lunatic's fantasy.
I'm with God first. Then, through his lense and protection and provision, life is made beautiful and palatable and abundant.
These are words that I though I would NEVER say... I've met someone and he is awesome. He is handsome, fun, super intelligent, loves and honors God. Is a wonderful father to his children. His perspective and outlook on life is wonderful. Yes... I keep an optimistic slant on ALL of my self talk. Yes, I speak positive words and ideals and goals out loud... however... I never thought I would meet someone I would like to marry. It's cool and now...
I'm cooling off.
We would speak often. I liked it, but... i think our conversation has waxed cold. It's all good though. He is an awesome person. I appreciate him and the time he has shared with me. Historically, I move EXTREMELY FAST when I am interested in someone... this guy. He is different. He sees the long game and intends to play it.
Lately, I've been experiencing some radio silence... I am choosing to be silent in return. I will not continue to reach out if you are just busy. I GET IT... things happen... but this feels different. Who knows... if i did or said something wrong... the truth will come out in the end. Until then... i need to keep my head.
My love life is an area of my life that has been fraught with indecision, poor decisions and epic pain. I am choosing to allow GOD and HIS word to lead guide me and direct me. I do want to get married but not at the expense of my sanity, standards and faith. I surrender my wants and needs and desires to God.
...and to be honest... ya girl can over react and go from 0 to 1000 really quick... just taking my time and navigating what I want and need with what God wants and needs and what my man (feels weird ti say that), my partner, my soulmate wants and needs.
