I woke up feeling hopeless, useless and impotent

 Y'all... I am still on the journey to the Billionaire Business Babe lifestyle... I am choosing more than ever to REALLY SEEK GOD'S VOICE. I... Just know in my heart, my mind, my spirit that God can talk to me. God does talk to me. God wants to talk to me. I have been feeling like a lazy no good hoarder of talents.

I woke up feeling like I have wasted my life... And talents 

I feel like I'm not successful because...

1. I'm not married 
2. I don't have a house
3. I'm not rich yet
4. I haven't really solidified a product for my business to sell
5. Consistent with my podcast
6. Quit teaching and started to work from home
7. I don't work from home
8. I don't have a large savings account
9. I don't have my PhD
10. I'm not a college professor 
11. I'm don't hear God like I want
12. I don't have a good Morning routine 

On the contrary, I feel great about...

1. having a great car (God did it)
2. Veronica's relationship and fire for God (God did it)
3. Traveling a lot this summer with 🍏 and to visit family (God financed it)
4. Veronica's senior pictures are gorgeous (God financed it)
5. I am walking 10,000 steps a day... Almost every day (God empowers me)
6. Actively pursuing my health journey 
7. My YouTube channel has over 191 videos (God empowers)

My priorities for remainder of 2024

1. Create morning routine that honors God and reinforces my health
2. Complete Keys to Everything Book and implement keys
3. Complete MS/PhD Applications and sent them off!!
4. Complete KEU with fidelity
5. Complete year of the bride fast with fidelity
6. Complete $0 - $100k programs steps with fidelity
7. Microlocs Installation for Veronica and Myself
8. Make $1000 consistently each month

The Last Christmas Party 2021

 so... i went... i was excited and expecting lost of good music and food and laughs... i was disappointed... but why? As i look back over the evening... i realize i came in with the right spirit and intention. Made some folks laugh and i laughed too. food was pretty good. So... what made it turn left for me?

The gift exchange... they did the white elephant... its was supposed to be fun... but... the vibe changed drastically... to me... got me wondering if I am extra sensitive... I wasn't a part of it... but being near it felt yucky.

During and after the gift exchange everyone cliqued up and i was on my own. Now... let's be HONEST. I'm not the best socializer nor do i want to be... I just like having a vibe and certain ebery around me. Being in the pandemic and in my classroom as the main contributor to my environment has made me spoiled in a way... I need to learn how to navigate social stuff again.

I don't want to be in no man's land. I want to have friends that contribute to my life and me to theirs... and i DO have these folks. I was blindsided by the "you don't fit in with us" middle and high school flashback that occured at the end of the night.

Then, I also realized that I have vowed to spend more quiet time with God daily and i haven't. No need to lie or make it cute. I have been neglecting my quiet meditation time in God's presence through worship music and silence. I was NOT prepared or insulated enough in my spirit to handle last night's situation.

I have been praying for continual closeness with God and to hear HIS voice and choose HIS ways. I cannot renege and not continue this oath and promise that I made to God. No One made me do it. I said and I prayed that I would devote my life to seeking God in and through ALL things. 

Me having fun and seeking fulfilment and love and to be embraced by people who i do not spend ANY time with is a lunatic's fantasy.

I'm with God first. Then, through his lense and protection and provision, life is made beautiful and palatable and abundant.

My Juneteenth Revelation - Tulsa & Rosewood Massacres

Remember... It is NOT "Black people just don't like each other" or "Black folks ain't got no ambition" or "We don't work together like other cultures" 

We have been SYSTEMATICALLY and INSTITUTIONALLY terrorized and attacked for at LEAST 2 centuries in the U.S. of A.

DO NOT believe the propaganda and lies... Find your tribe... Unite with them... Build that school... that business... that CITY you have always dreamed of living in!!

WE ARE... WE CAN... WE WILL.. and WE HAVE OVERCOME... We did it before... WE'LL DO IT AGAIN!  

Out with the old...

So... met up with an old friend of mine, with whom i thought we could be in a relationship. I had planned to keep everything PG but it ended up with a higher rating. I did not think this encounter through. I cannot meet with a man who I KNOW does not share my beliefs, ideals and dreams in an intimate settings. This man and others like him are not bad people. They are not for me.

https://youtu.be/3v3T_KxvFyM

I have been afraid that I will end up alone for a long time. I cannot let fear ruin my reputation, honesty, integrity and walk with God. I have to be honest with God, myself and others.

Truth Nugget #1 - I want to be happily married.
Truth Nugget #2 - I want companionship.
Truth Nugget #3 - I want God to let me know if i'm going to be a spinster for the rest of my life... like... If I ain't be to be no wife... PLEASE... let me know. Let me know-ow. (Aaliyah voice over)
Truth Nugget #4 - I want a honeymoon... like super fabulous... Fiji/Australia/Aspen...

Declaration Nugget #1 - My husband is a Man of God, who hears God's voice and actively attends church, prays and worships God in spirit and in truth.
Declaration Nugget #2 - My marriage is a ministry.
Declaration Nugget #7 - My husband ministers to me and my family members through his life and speech.
Declaration Nugget #8 - My husband is handsome!!

2 WEEKS of POWER!!

My GOD!!!

My God has been answering prayers. I don't even remember praying for what I received. I know my soul and spirit have been refreshed and replenished. Thank you Lord!!

My mother sent me a text that the car is free! All I need to do is get my license and insurance and title together. The 2 week fast of 2019 was been so awesome!!

Miscellaneous Goals

This IS what i really wanna do

1. Discernment... Spiritual, Emotional, Financial
2. Play the Acoustic Spanish Guitar
• https://www.google.com/search?q=how+to+restring+a+guitar&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS783US783&oq=how+to+restring+&aqs=chrome.0.0j69i57j0l4.6363j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#kpvalbx=1
3. Be in a Music Video
4. Compete and win a ballroom dance competition... latin style
5. Long hair that is MINE!!
6. PhD Mechanical Engineering and inspire minorities... women and flavors alike
• robotics lab... work in one
• architecture degree... because its interesting and awesome
7. walk and talk with God in the cool of the day
1. be for real on one accord with GOD... like always
8. Fluent in Spanish and italian
9. Travel the World and the USA
• minimum 2 trips a year
10. Be independent of $$$ by maintaining more than enough
11. Be a MULTIMILLIONARE
• work from home until i can get my own office
12. Scholarship Fund for women by age group
• 20's... 25% of tuition
• 30's... 50% of tuition
• 40's... 75% of tuition
• 50's and beyond... get a full ride
13. Mentors for college students with MANDATORY bi-weekly check-in
• one meeting MUST be face to face!!
14. Churches for College Students -- reinforce or establish these programs
15. Set up trust fund for my family
• 1st time homeowners
• family improvement funds... biger houdsse for bigger family
• college for my descendents

Consulting Engineer... mucho más oportunidades

i do not want to be limited in what i do... yes i need a focus... but there i nothing i cannot do... i CAN'T limit myself... and i WON'T... here a a few opportunities to consider

1. rent a room or two in my house to finance my house... why not??
• https://www.airbnb.com
• someone is actually renting a tent in their backyard for $10/night... awesome
2. rent out my office space... my building space... and finance my dreams
3. website design and maintainence
4. to be continued

This is how I know GOD ain't hiding from me

The person who has My commands and keeps them is the one who [really] loves Me; and whoever [really] loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I [too] will love him and will show (reveal, manifest) Myself to him. [I will let Myself be clearly seen by him and make Myself real to him.]
John 14:21 AMPC

http://bible.com/8/jhn.14.21.AMPC

Auntie Atneataies... Mammagram... A living legend... She DID this!!

ü Herald and preach the Word!

ü Keep your sense of urgency [stand by, be at hand and ready],

ü whether the opportunity seems to be favorable or unfavorable. [Whether it is convenient or inconvenient, whether it is welcome or unwelcome, you as preacher of the Word are to show people in what way their lives are wrong.]

ü And convince them, rebuking and correcting, warning and urging and encouraging them, being unflagging and inexhaustible in patience and teaching.

Hello 2017...

Meet my new body... This is how my stomach and silhouette will be by Christmas 2017. 💯💯💯

My Legacy

i can be another
single
black
mother
with food stamps...

however... i choose abundant life and reject mediocrity and selfishness.

W.E.B. DuBois' legacy will not die on MY watch

God STILL Faithful

I am definitely one of the most trifling and lazy thangs under the sun at times... it's a wonder GOD even wants to be bothered by my li'l silly self... but he loves me in spite of this and he is loving the HELL out of me and he doesn't stop because I'm not feeling my best. Thank goodness for that. I aced my computer test today and all I can say is... GOD DID IT!!! He causes me to do what I need to do... when I need to do it. Thank you GOD. ...for real for real... I need you... but you probably already knew that =)

Again...

Remember Janet Jackson's song back in the day?? Well, I fell of the truck and onto something else... pun intended... practice purity versus be pure... sermon yesterday was way more helpful than I initially perceived but I endeavor to always remain greatly open to the Holy Spirit and to how GOD chooses to talk to and through me.

"Separate Yourself."

God's message for me in a nutshell. All the things that I don't want to do and be tempted by... I need to separate from those things... I am not going to get all overly churchy and preachy and talky... just separate yourself... Separate NOT isolate.

Isaiah 40:27 to the end...

Why do you complain, Jacob?
    Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord;
    my cause is disregarded by my God”?
28 Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

This was the scripture from the sermon yesterday... but as I look back over the preceding verses... I feel tears in my eyes when I realize I tried to make my difficulties impossibilities that GOD can’t even reach.

Remember this ShaTina: Isaiah 40:21-24"

Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
    Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
22 He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
    and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
    and spreads them out like a tent to live in.
23 He brings princes to naught
    and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.
24 No sooner are they planted,
    no sooner are they sown,
    no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
    and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.

God used me yesterday… in spite of my sins and recent almost fresh adultery again OUR covenant relationship. God has a covenant relationship with me, individually, I am Gomer. Even though I want to be an Esther or a Dorcas... I relate to Gomer and Rahab... but GOD loves ME!! In Spite of and in the mist of all of my mess... I am so glad that GOD ALONE can use my acts of stupidity to redeem others and to comfort them. We don't know why Gomer did what she did... but we DO know she was loved. GOD I want and desire to be truly right with you. You have made me righteous through the life, death and resurrection of your Son. Thank you for seeing me. The real me. Flaws, insecurities, anger, jealous, spiteful, stingy, hateful, cursing and uncaring as I am... and still use me for your glory. Thank you Lord. 

Revelations 5:5
And one of the elders saith unto me, Weep not: behold, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, hath prevailed to open the book, and to loose the seven seals thereof.

the sacred echo ...Margaret Feinberg

We recognize God's voice best when we spend time listening to what He has to say through Scripture on a daily basis. (p.24)

a few tshirts...

         

Restoring the Sanctity of Music

What did you learn? What was revealed to you?

1.    ShaTina... you are NOT alone... I Kings 19:18

                                                              i.      New International Version
Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel--all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him."

                                                            ii.      King James Bible
Yet I have left me seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed unto Baal, and every mouth which hath not kissed him.

                                                          iii.      Amplified Bible
18 Yet I will leave 7,000 [survivors] in Israel, all the knees that have not bowed down to Baal and every mouth that has not kissed him.”

                                                           iv.      The Message
Meanwhile, I’m preserving for myself seven thousand souls: the knees that haven’t bowed to the god Baal, the mouths that haven’t kissed his image.”

b.      Your emotions do NOT dictate where you are in Christ or who you are in the midst of

c.       God has his people there… just cause you don’t know about… don’t be all… “one is the loneliest number” or “all by myself… I don’t want to be…”

2.    Examine Yourself - 2 Corinthians 13:5

                                                              i.      New International Version
Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you--unless, of course, you fail the test?

                                                            ii.      The Message
Test yourselves to make sure you are solid in the faith. Don’t drift along taking everything for granted. Give yourselves regular checkups. You need firsthand evidence, not mere hearsay, that Jesus Christ is in you. Test it out. If you fail the test, do something about it.

                                                          iii.      Amplified Bible
5 Test and evaluate yourselves to see whether you are in the faith and living your lives as [committed] believers. Examine yourselves [not me]! Or do you not recognize this about yourselves [by an ongoing experience] that Jesus Christ is in you—unless indeed you fail the test and are rejected as counterfeit?

b.      Why aren’t you effective or affective with others?? Is it because you aren’t right? You better check yourself before yourself… and you call yourself worship leaders… SMH

3.    My personal favorite – it just goes with EVERYTHING!!! - Revelation 12:11

                                                              i.      King James Version (KJV)
¹¹ And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.

                                                            ii.      The Message
They defeated him through the blood of the Lamb
    and the bold word of their witness.
They weren’t in love with themselves;
    they were willing to die for Christ.

                                                          iii.      Amplified Bible
 ¹¹ And they overcame and conquered him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, for they did not love their life and renounce their faith even when faced with death.

b.      This is why you can’t just sing about what sounds God… sing about the blood of the Lamb and the word of YOUR testimony

c.       You MUST tell your story because it’s not YOUR story…it a testament to God and his infinite wisdom and glory!! This is what I know about God.

I'm done.

I hate casual sex...cause ain't nothing casual about it...Before it your lonely and after it your miserably lonely...

I deserve to be loved. Period.

God Speaks...

Whom shall I fear? The lord is the strength of my life. Whom shall I fear?

The lord is my light and my salvation... Whom shall I fear?

In the time of trouble he shall hide me... He shall strengthen thine heart.

Jesus said i am the light.

I am the light of the world.

Walk in the light. 

The beautiful light of Jesus.

In response to my tears and frustration last night... I KNOW these "old" gospel songs spoke directly to my heart.

I know that these songs encouraged me and were exactly what I needed to hear.

If Job waited on the Lord... So can I!

I am going to wait on the Lord!!!!

A Man...

I have prided myself on being somewhat self-aware, however, as I look back of my few years of existence... I see how my true weakness is wanting, catering and enveloping myself with "my man". The reason for the quotation marks is simple. These men at least 95% that I have been pining for, wanting, pleasing or trying to please have TRULY never been mine... or wanted to be. I get so wrapped up in his eyes, his humor, his conversation, his embrace, his masculinity, his arms, his lips... I just lose sight of everything else... I forget my goals... I forget deadlines... I forget ME... I thank GOD for protecting me as much as he has from relationships or "understandings" (what a lot of men I have dealt with have called our interactions) that would have brought me further and further from HIM.

The same way men say that women are addictive... a good man has been my Kryptonite since I could remember... I just ask humble for my Lord and Saviour to just continue to guide me and isolate me if HE feels that's necessary. Lord... do I want marriage or am I just getting old and hormones are attacking my brain?