The Last Christmas Party 2021

 so... i went... i was excited and expecting lost of good music and food and laughs... i was disappointed... but why? As i look back over the evening... i realize i came in with the right spirit and intention. Made some folks laugh and i laughed too. food was pretty good. So... what made it turn left for me?

The gift exchange... they did the white elephant... its was supposed to be fun... but... the vibe changed drastically... to me... got me wondering if I am extra sensitive... I wasn't a part of it... but being near it felt yucky.

During and after the gift exchange everyone cliqued up and i was on my own. Now... let's be HONEST. I'm not the best socializer nor do i want to be... I just like having a vibe and certain ebery around me. Being in the pandemic and in my classroom as the main contributor to my environment has made me spoiled in a way... I need to learn how to navigate social stuff again.

I don't want to be in no man's land. I want to have friends that contribute to my life and me to theirs... and i DO have these folks. I was blindsided by the "you don't fit in with us" middle and high school flashback that occured at the end of the night.

Then, I also realized that I have vowed to spend more quiet time with God daily and i haven't. No need to lie or make it cute. I have been neglecting my quiet meditation time in God's presence through worship music and silence. I was NOT prepared or insulated enough in my spirit to handle last night's situation.

I have been praying for continual closeness with God and to hear HIS voice and choose HIS ways. I cannot renege and not continue this oath and promise that I made to God. No One made me do it. I said and I prayed that I would devote my life to seeking God in and through ALL things. 

Me having fun and seeking fulfilment and love and to be embraced by people who i do not spend ANY time with is a lunatic's fantasy.

I'm with God first. Then, through his lense and protection and provision, life is made beautiful and palatable and abundant.

Real Talk... Self Esteem...

       I think that I've always liked myself, but never viewed myself as beautiful. I've looked at other women and seen beauty. I have gotten dressed up and felt nice, but the only accolades came from the dude i don't like, mad shady and disrespectful and thirsty. I know i can look good at times, but its just not all the time. I need help on this.
       When i first went to college, at Howard University. There were so many beautiful women that I, literally, gave up. I just gave up trying to look good. I figured, and still do, if i am brutally honest with myself, what's the use? How can I compete? I am not exotic. I don't have long hair. I dont have wonderful skin. I don't have dimples. I am not from somewhere else. What is it about me that attracts? Nothing.
       The funny thing is... when i did dress up and fix up... i got attention from men and that TERRIFIED me. I'm cool with being quirky, but beautiful? sexy? That scares me. How can i exist as a beautiful, sexy, intelligent woman when... i'm not feeling it.
       There were a few guys who fed my self esteem, genuinely, but with such a deficit in my self esteem... it wasnt lasting nourishment. What in the world? What in the world do I want? How do I really want and deserve to feel about myself... just me... without input? How do i choose to love myself and see the woman GOD created as a vision of loveliness... As of right now, I am seeking a deeper relationship with God and being brutally honest with myself about my truth and true feelings and reactions. i will not sugar-coat my reality or ignore and brush off growth.
       Yes, I want attention from men. Yes, I want men to look at me as see beauty, not just a heifer on the street, but why? Why am i seeking recognition from strangers? ...and at the same time... won't do or keep up my hair/make-up/beauty regimens.

How do I want to feel about myself?

• I will love my body and my face.
• I will exercise and have muscle tone and definition, because having a strong body makes me feel good internally and externally.
• I will do/fix up my hair... BEFORE leaving the house.
• I will look my best and get rid of unflattering clothes I don't want or don't need to wear.
• I will talk to God and MORE IMPORTANTLY listen to HIM about what to do with all of these feeling, emotions, idiosyncrasies within myself.
• 5780 - AYIN PEY - The year of the MOUTH 2020
• I will make daily confessions about who I am and how I feel about myself.
• I will BE ShaTina... not just think about her... as if in a faded memory from long ago.
• I am a fearfully, wonderfully, beautifully made woman BECAUSE I AM made me.

Marriage...

so... i'm going to be be brutally honest with myself on this one. As a child, i figured I'd

1. goto college
2. get a really cool awesome job that pays $$$$$$$
3. meet a really nice and handsome guy
4. get married
5. get EXTRA $$$$$ together
6. have 5 sons

my reality... is... different

1. goto college... 
• but I didn't finish till 10 years  later... and not in the degree i really wanted
2. I've had cool internships that paid $$$
• no job to this date has been really cool or awesome
• and the pay was just enough to no panhandle... but i AM tempted
• DREAM ABOUT HOW TO... get a really cool awesome job that pays $$$$$$$
3. meet a really nice and handsome guy
4. I've meet nice and handsome guys...
• but they had different religious beliefs and that's important to ME
• the had a plethora of other women, girls and men? in the background and foreground
5. get married
• NOPE... the people who asked were WAaaaaaaAaaaay... too desparate
• or... were already married... they left that detail out... my fault for not asking... of course
6. get EXTRA $$$$$ together
• gotta wait for #5... there is still hope for this one
7. have 5 sons
• WELL... i have 1 daughter... 'nuff 'said

...and now... i wonder if marriage is even for me? i would like to be a part of the marriage isotope that works... but i have a growing suspision... it may not happen... and i'm good... i just need to work on the existing relationships I have and feed and nurture those. 

💓💔💖 Love You Ma 💗💘💝💜

I love my mom... and that's where it gets dicey... we don't have too many conversations... She'll say its my fault... and I say its hers... she mumbles rude comments... she tells me what I think and what I feel and what I need to... I do not want to hug a cactus... okay a porcupine... she does have a heart an a tender side that she protects like hell... she is not straight forward and doesn't accept my answers or reasons... I don't like the constant fussing at Veronica WITHOUT explaining what she needs or wants her to do... I dont like her facial expressions... I don't like the name calling that she doesn't seem to know is name calling.

she wants a relationship with me and my sister where we call her everyday and confide in her... my sister is doing pretty well with that but I refuse to open up to her ever.

I may need her help... but I DO NOT want it... the price is too high... i want peace and she loves WAR.